Wednesday, October 27, 2004

Sad Elation, Thend's Beginning
~ Realization ... ~

I think i've just confirmed certain things...
feelings kepy inside a person, if are strong...
will lead to self detrimentation.

But what are the causes of that self non disclosure...
Pride..? THe unwillingness to discard that feeling of
injustice done...? The hurt sense of self... not wanting
to do anything... wanting to close up. hmmm.
ANyway that first step is hard...

But after that step ... which is to talk of smile or laugh..
everything seems easier... also... a look at issues of the
world around... a browsing of the papers helps to ease
one's self downward spiralling thoughts..

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

~ The Demented side unleashed ~

Queer it is the mind that's yours.
Though through all the changes that seems unchanged.
Thinking that it's been a while
And change is done quite abit.

Why do i see from others the need to compel,
Do we feel the happyiness when we see another sad.
Do we take pleasure in another's pain.
Or is it but an imagination of the mind.

Fuck the mind and all it's thoughts.
Many times still too tightly reigned in by the heart.
Even logic seems illogical and so many words
are then left unspoken.

What use it is if one is among friends or crowds,
when deep down he's still cut off.
Though on the surface it seems ok,
through the worlds eyes it's aliright.

But deep down it is not,
the crying the thrashing is but covered.
Sometimes it might surface
unleashing it's fury to those around.

It doesn't ever go away until it's
been confronted and treated at the core of the issue.

~ Ah... Finally ... Comments ~

Yup, comments are up... finally i think. Anyway got this service from
Haloscan, seem good. Anyway can try out, just click on that comments link
at the bottom. Ya.. the one before the trackback thingy. :)

Now all that's left is my links.. hmm.
Will get to it when there's time.. maybe tonight.
Sigh... exams next week and i still haven't started reading for them yet.
At least only for my GE and Eng and Society. Hope i can be able to rush through
them coming end of week.

Oh ya... in this period of stress and maybe urgency... think it's best not to
ever rely on one's feelings... seems like they are being rewired differenly these days.
Perhaps i'm falling victim to it, damn it feels cranky. Guess maybe it's better to
be alone. Where you won't be able to sense other's attitudes too easily..

Thursday, October 21, 2004

~ Freekin Blogspot no backups... ~

Just great, managed to get back my layouts. Sighz.
All i wanted to do was just add an extra link in my column and
blogspot has to crash on me.

Now i've gotta try to find back the code for the tagboard
and stuff... sighz...
Also just when my counter was about to hit 1000.. this has
to happen... and i was gonna celebrate it too
hahah..
oh well.. maybe i'll immigrate over to tripod... hmmm.
you hear that blogspot??! you hear that?!
i'm going over to your competitior! Stop me if u can!

I could be stopped if you gave me my own webspace to
upload stuff and my own webpage designs... 10mb of space
should be enough... :)

Monday, October 18, 2004

~ Shhh, it's all so quiet ~

Wonder why
seems like they all don't care,
But nothing's wrong,
It's all in the way.

The way of the world,
no one looks at your behind,
They only show to what you see,
Why should they anyway.

Yet do we seek,
Just to find,
Someone of purity,
To be sure of how we feel?

It's gotta quiet,
Busying our own stuff,
Feeling the uneasiness,
But accepting it now.

What you seek is but a dream,
Of things found only God could give.
Or a mate who might see you through...

Thursday, October 14, 2004

~ So another one bites the dust ~

Ah... finished my presentation today.
Well at least another thing over and i can slowly gear myself to studying
for the exams.

Anyway there were quite a alot of interesting topics on show today.
From finding your soulmate to cohabitation to homosexual and internet relationships.
Basically, all to do with relationships ( as is what this GE is supposed to be ).

Let's see, there's three topics so far... think there's 5 more, as there's 8 groups.
My group was on Office Romance and there's this interesting link to some flash
on it. Rather funny and cute :)

Oh yah, there's also one on " Is sex confined to related relationships " and another
on Metrosexual man. And lastly it was yt's grp on Family Ties.
Think the last group had lots of practical solutions and ideas. Good to implement in
one's own family i think. Anyway yt, if you're reading this, dun mind can post up your
power pt slide or the TIPs page where you listed all the things to do one? Heh.

Ok... that's it... Oh ya.. heard the BIG 4 came to NTU today... no wonder there were
so many office ladies look a like walking around.. haha.. eye feast :p
Well what's interesting was that i heard they were going to recruit in about 60-70%
of this yr's cohort so if the NBS students manage to get themselves hooked up today,
they'll get a job right after they grad with a starting pay of about 1600 take home.
Cool eh.

Sighz.. wonder when they'll have such a recruitment for ENG students... heh..
don't mind if they do so for Computer Eng... woo. imagine, IBM, APPLE, INTEL or ATI
coming to our school to recruit one day... haha... that'll say alot.

Guess i'll just stick to becoming an air steward or a pilot when i come out next time.
Maybe even just some helper in Sim Lim Square helping ppl fix computers.. haha.....
haiz...


Monday, October 11, 2004

~ And so it's .... almost done ~

Deadlines have come and most are gone. Finished up most of the stuff and
now just clearing the remnents of the calculator designs.... still have to do report.
Sigh.

Well, time for a break i say... well fuck you a voice says. Exams are near.
Ohh... i say. So? .... *silence*
Hmm.... oh well... back to trying to mug. But mostly i guess i'm just trying
to search out the voice. Hahaha... :p

And so the ghost of my mind,
resides and plays in my thoughts,
Telling of many things to make one green,
Plucking on the tender threads of emotion.

Whether tis real or but a shadow,
I do not know
til i speak out
And try out what's real.

Sometimes a fear,
Holds back an oncoming query,
That can break the ice of two,
But that fear wins anyway.

Perhaps perhaps,
If i could climb above myself,
to see the great beyond,
Living in the real and now,
Not lost in the shadowy what if's.

Friday, October 08, 2004

~ The month long week... ~

Seems like it'll never end, day after day, panicking and trying to finish labs and tuts.
Finally friday is here but yet the things aren't done yet. People are queuing up to book
lab sessions and it's like even in the morning there's a queue. Like queuing up for Hello
Kitty like that. Damn...

Anyway... it's a good thing to have panic... or i wouldn't have started on anything at all.
At least with the sense of urgency i managed to do some studying, tuts, labs and projcet.
Much more things that i usually get done within a week. Seems like stress is good in a way... but i'm getting burned out. Think only need sleep now...it's just so tempting right now... ahhh..

Anyway, been taking a course in Creative Relations For Life as a GE. Been a rather interesting
and informative module. Although it's lots of chatting and discussion and not much to do
with academic stuff. But it does alot for self thought. Dunno if it's doing more good or bad
though, for ppl ard me have always been saying not to think too much... haha...
maybe gotta couple thinking with actions so that it'll be more productive.

Well where was i, ah.. back to serious stuff. Ok, first off, from a religious teaching point of
view, i learnt that we were made for a purpose, made for a relationship. A relationship with God.
Now then, academically, even philosphers and teachings alike are saying that man cannot
live alone, without touch and relating to his environment.

Some may say, didn't Jungle Boy grew up without ever havnig contacts with human? Or
even Tarzan? Well it's just a story! But then, even then, they had contact and even some
sort of relation with the animals that took care of them or played with them. So in a sense,
it is true that we cannnot life alone without interacting with the environment no matter how
individualistic one can or may be.

Even in times of depression or feeling of insecurity when one needs and wants to be alone.
What is it that one is going through during such times? What does one really think about?
Doesn't one acutually seek and hope that someone will come to save them. To bring them out
of the isolation they created themselves? Or when in sadness, actually wish to relate to, to
lash out at the person of interest?

In a sense, it really seems that no matter what the goal of our life is, there's no escaping the
fact that we're not really living for ourselves at all and we can not find our true meaning unless
we've learn how to think beyond ourselves and live for a purpose beyond ourselves.

How some people find power in the goal of seeking to become powerful or to seek fame and
recognition. It's a strong drive to live for themselves and to prove their worth, a determined
mind that doesn't seek to back down. Yet behind that drive, to prove one's own worth and value
in the world... is it not to seek the approval of others? Maybe a means to a goal to an inner desire to be able to relate to another human?

It is a way that's approved by the world. It makes people work hard. Keep things going and keeps things fair...

But then, in Christianity, it is taught that God has forgiven us, given us a new life in him and
showed grace that doesn't require anything in return... Teaches that no amount of effort we
put in to saving ourself or to show our own worth will ever amount to anything. That salvation
is about grace given to us and not something we can earn...

So what does it have to do with relations in humans...? Well besides the fact that we were
MADE for having relationship with God, which in very essence coincides with what academics
believe in. Thus, won't it be that in our own lives, we'll never feel complete til we manage to
be able to relate to another person, society or spiritually in a deeper sense...?

Haha... well... it's seems that my undestanding as of now is still inadequate as the words that
seemed to formed in the mind are starting to dissipate and flow into mambo jambo. Many things
seem to be easier thought of in the mind then expressed out in words. Then again, perhaps it's
the lack of proper understanding that's why it is so...

Whatever it is... seems like i've writen quite alot this round... wonder if anyone will understand
this time... haha.





Tuesday, October 05, 2004

~ Whinings ~

Moaning of childhood desires,
Is but a fragment of what we desire now,
A basis non the less,
Fueling our lost passions.

What we strive for now,
What we write right now,
What we know is true now,
Only but circumstance driven in part.

Admire thee one who writes,
Writes of the heart's true words and desires,
Knowing no fear nor restriction,
In this chained up culture we've formed.

Seeking only to know,
Seeking only to hear,
Seeking only to speak,
Of one's lost words.

Formed in the depths of the mind,
Deep within the night,
When the soul roams among the darkness,
Is lost among passion in deep slumber.

Awaking to loud ringing,
Not one not two but three.
Deeply exhausted and startled.
Only able to speak in riddles,
that might hide yet tell of the truth.

Saturday, October 02, 2004

~ The Explaination ... ? ~

A friend sent me something rather interesting, remembered reading it in the past,
but guess it didn't really made an impression. But now it seems to have certain meaning...
hmm anyway here it is...


"...they call it the "Quarter-life Crisis." It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are many things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.

You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met, and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you don't recognize is that they are realizing that too, and aren't really cold, catty, mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.

You look at your job... and it is not even close to what you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are looking for a job and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and that scares you.

Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and are constantly adding things to your list of what is acceptable and what isn't. One minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you. Or you lie in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough that you want to get to know better. Or maybe you love someone but love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you know that you aren't a bad person.


One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap. Getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic. You go through the same emotions and questions over and over, and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision.

You worry about loans, money, the future and making a life for yourself and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!

What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.... "


Guess it does explain certain things... things that i'm going thru and others too... seems like
we're not alone out there... hmmm.
Oh well.... anyone has schmatics of registers or a calculator design? haiz...