~ Once again the year is coming to a close ... ~

As with every year that's past. This might hold not much exception to some.
For me... it's the year i looked back once again.. on all that i've been
through... to once again, see myself when before i entered the army.
To ponder again on things that really seemed to matter most...

I've learnt alot this past year... 2004... just like another phase of life.
And i see 2003 as but a transition period from army life...

2004... i've felt alot.. i've learnt a few lessons.
Learnt that
...God is faithful, no matter how many times i've let him down.
...God will not tempt me beyond my means.
...no matter how deep one falls, he should not wallow in dejection, life goes on.
...no matter how or where you fall, it's but a learning challenge to rise from again.
...once you're comfortable with your life and it changes it takes lots of courage to change.
...friends can let you down...but they don't mean it.
...and that you shouldn't hold grudges.For i myself am not perfect.
...to understand why guys with Gfs will always break away...
...to keep looking for love, it'll only haunt u and torment u in a way.
...when u stop looking, it'll suddenly come looking for you.
...when you don't have any expectations, and open the heart... everything will be easy to accept.
...open communication is important.
...to be in love is a beautiful thing.
...desires can be overwhelming.
...thinking too much doesn't help, only when needed.
...a smile is worth many tales of gold
...to move on in life, is hard but it needs that first step.
...one must know what they're looking for in a relation and to say it out early.
...i've been given a chance to go through different experiences, to now know how to learn to
commit and what's it like to give up on certain things.

Happy new year, Akan Datang.
off to bed... the deep weariness in me calls.
Wonder what tomorrow will bring...
Hope and a new wonder.
Yet a tinge of sadness lingers...

~ Wonders of A m(ad)icro mouse... ~

Been staring at wires and codes for the past weeks. Been hanging out at boon lay
for far far far toooo long already. Ever since exams. Seems like i'm living a veri
predictable life these days... wake up... go lab... lunch... go lab... back hall... chill.
Hmmm.... how 'nice' and stable this life is.
Haha..
Only time i think i got out of this place is last weekend when i went for church retreat.
Was a refreshing time, an new turning point and also new insights. Felt the holy spirit
moving through the church... doing things.
Went back home yesterday, then came back this morning. Took the Mrt from Eunos.
Woa.. it's been so long since i've took it in the morning. Was a refeshing change.
Got to see all the working people. Some dressed up nicely some just donning their daily
uniforms. Just felt good to be out and moving about.
Back to lab later on... well today. Partner and Me sat down... stared at codes and viola,
seems like ideas after ideas came and problems were solved. Haha.. think it's cos now there's
2 ppl looking at the problem. Also the mouse finally came to life! After much stress and testing
by the other grp mates. Now we've only left the sensor part to debug.
Hopefully we'll be in time to finish for next tues assessment... haiz....
Another labby day for me... but at least it's fri. And i get to go home again. :)

~ A New Beginning ... ? ~

Ah... been a long time since i've posted anything.
Wonder why. First there was the exams... then wat..
Hmmm oh yah... the DDP project... been busying myself
over it.
Stupid micro mouse... argh. Me and partner had design up by the 2nd day
and on the 3rd almost all was done. BUT. Now is the 3rd week. And we're
still trying to test out how to make the power reset thing. DARN. And i thought
we were so fast. hahah.. oh well... it's just staying in the labs til 5 plus everyday only..
tiring man..
Just wished things would be able to work tom...

Anyway ... even after exams... there's been a rush of things...
Things happening and i'm also wondering how'd i get into that state.
Heh. Although it ain't necessarily a bad thing. Too bad... things are just
left as they are now... just gotta wait til 24th... hmmm

Work work.... wonder if anyone needs any free lance video editor cum
graphic designer... haha... sigh.

Sad Elation, Thend's Beginning
~ Realization ... ~

I think i've just confirmed certain things...
feelings kepy inside a person, if are strong...
will lead to self detrimentation.

But what are the causes of that self non disclosure...
Pride..? THe unwillingness to discard that feeling of
injustice done...? The hurt sense of self... not wanting
to do anything... wanting to close up. hmmm.
ANyway that first step is hard...

But after that step ... which is to talk of smile or laugh..
everything seems easier... also... a look at issues of the
world around... a browsing of the papers helps to ease
one's self downward spiralling thoughts..

~ The Demented side unleashed ~

Queer it is the mind that's yours.
Though through all the changes that seems unchanged.
Thinking that it's been a while
And change is done quite abit.

Why do i see from others the need to compel,
Do we feel the happyiness when we see another sad.
Do we take pleasure in another's pain.
Or is it but an imagination of the mind.

Fuck the mind and all it's thoughts.
Many times still too tightly reigned in by the heart.
Even logic seems illogical and so many words
are then left unspoken.

What use it is if one is among friends or crowds,
when deep down he's still cut off.
Though on the surface it seems ok,
through the worlds eyes it's aliright.

But deep down it is not,
the crying the thrashing is but covered.
Sometimes it might surface
unleashing it's fury to those around.

It doesn't ever go away until it's
been confronted and treated at the core of the issue.

~ Ah... Finally ... Comments ~

Yup, comments are up... finally i think. Anyway got this service from
Haloscan, seem good. Anyway can try out, just click on that comments link
at the bottom. Ya.. the one before the trackback thingy. :)

Now all that's left is my links.. hmm.
Will get to it when there's time.. maybe tonight.
Sigh... exams next week and i still haven't started reading for them yet.
At least only for my GE and Eng and Society. Hope i can be able to rush through
them coming end of week.

Oh ya... in this period of stress and maybe urgency... think it's best not to
ever rely on one's feelings... seems like they are being rewired differenly these days.
Perhaps i'm falling victim to it, damn it feels cranky. Guess maybe it's better to
be alone. Where you won't be able to sense other's attitudes too easily..

~ Freekin Blogspot no backups... ~

Just great, managed to get back my layouts. Sighz.
All i wanted to do was just add an extra link in my column and
blogspot has to crash on me.

Now i've gotta try to find back the code for the tagboard
and stuff... sighz...
Also just when my counter was about to hit 1000.. this has
to happen... and i was gonna celebrate it too
hahah..
oh well.. maybe i'll immigrate over to tripod... hmmm.
you hear that blogspot??! you hear that?!
i'm going over to your competitior! Stop me if u can!

I could be stopped if you gave me my own webspace to
upload stuff and my own webpage designs... 10mb of space
should be enough... :)

~ Shhh, it's all so quiet ~

Wonder why
seems like they all don't care,
But nothing's wrong,
It's all in the way.

The way of the world,
no one looks at your behind,
They only show to what you see,
Why should they anyway.

Yet do we seek,
Just to find,
Someone of purity,
To be sure of how we feel?

It's gotta quiet,
Busying our own stuff,
Feeling the uneasiness,
But accepting it now.

What you seek is but a dream,
Of things found only God could give.
Or a mate who might see you through...

~ So another one bites the dust ~

Ah... finished my presentation today.
Well at least another thing over and i can slowly gear myself to studying
for the exams.

Anyway there were quite a alot of interesting topics on show today.
From finding your soulmate to cohabitation to homosexual and internet relationships.
Basically, all to do with relationships ( as is what this GE is supposed to be ).

Let's see, there's three topics so far... think there's 5 more, as there's 8 groups.
My group was on Office Romance and there's this interesting link to some flash
on it. Rather funny and cute :)

Oh yah, there's also one on " Is sex confined to related relationships " and another
on Metrosexual man. And lastly it was yt's grp on Family Ties.
Think the last group had lots of practical solutions and ideas. Good to implement in
one's own family i think. Anyway yt, if you're reading this, dun mind can post up your
power pt slide or the TIPs page where you listed all the things to do one? Heh.

Ok... that's it... Oh ya.. heard the BIG 4 came to NTU today... no wonder there were
so many office ladies look a like walking around.. haha.. eye feast :p
Well what's interesting was that i heard they were going to recruit in about 60-70%
of this yr's cohort so if the NBS students manage to get themselves hooked up today,
they'll get a job right after they grad with a starting pay of about 1600 take home.
Cool eh.

Sighz.. wonder when they'll have such a recruitment for ENG students... heh..
don't mind if they do so for Computer Eng... woo. imagine, IBM, APPLE, INTEL or ATI
coming to our school to recruit one day... haha... that'll say alot.

Guess i'll just stick to becoming an air steward or a pilot when i come out next time.
Maybe even just some helper in Sim Lim Square helping ppl fix computers.. haha.....
haiz...

~ And so it's .... almost done ~

Deadlines have come and most are gone. Finished up most of the stuff and
now just clearing the remnents of the calculator designs.... still have to do report.
Sigh.

Well, time for a break i say... well fuck you a voice says. Exams are near.
Ohh... i say. So? .... *silence*
Hmm.... oh well... back to trying to mug. But mostly i guess i'm just trying
to search out the voice. Hahaha... :p

And so the ghost of my mind,
resides and plays in my thoughts,
Telling of many things to make one green,
Plucking on the tender threads of emotion.

Whether tis real or but a shadow,
I do not know
til i speak out
And try out what's real.

Sometimes a fear,
Holds back an oncoming query,
That can break the ice of two,
But that fear wins anyway.

Perhaps perhaps,
If i could climb above myself,
to see the great beyond,
Living in the real and now,
Not lost in the shadowy what if's.

~ The month long week... ~

Seems like it'll never end, day after day, panicking and trying to finish labs and tuts.
Finally friday is here but yet the things aren't done yet. People are queuing up to book
lab sessions and it's like even in the morning there's a queue. Like queuing up for Hello
Kitty like that. Damn...

Anyway... it's a good thing to have panic... or i wouldn't have started on anything at all.
At least with the sense of urgency i managed to do some studying, tuts, labs and projcet.
Much more things that i usually get done within a week. Seems like stress is good in a way... but i'm getting burned out. Think only need sleep now...it's just so tempting right now... ahhh..

Anyway, been taking a course in Creative Relations For Life as a GE. Been a rather interesting
and informative module. Although it's lots of chatting and discussion and not much to do
with academic stuff. But it does alot for self thought. Dunno if it's doing more good or bad
though, for ppl ard me have always been saying not to think too much... haha...
maybe gotta couple thinking with actions so that it'll be more productive.

Well where was i, ah.. back to serious stuff. Ok, first off, from a religious teaching point of
view, i learnt that we were made for a purpose, made for a relationship. A relationship with God.
Now then, academically, even philosphers and teachings alike are saying that man cannot
live alone, without touch and relating to his environment.

Some may say, didn't Jungle Boy grew up without ever havnig contacts with human? Or
even Tarzan? Well it's just a story! But then, even then, they had contact and even some
sort of relation with the animals that took care of them or played with them. So in a sense,
it is true that we cannnot life alone without interacting with the environment no matter how
individualistic one can or may be.

Even in times of depression or feeling of insecurity when one needs and wants to be alone.
What is it that one is going through during such times? What does one really think about?
Doesn't one acutually seek and hope that someone will come to save them. To bring them out
of the isolation they created themselves? Or when in sadness, actually wish to relate to, to
lash out at the person of interest?

In a sense, it really seems that no matter what the goal of our life is, there's no escaping the
fact that we're not really living for ourselves at all and we can not find our true meaning unless
we've learn how to think beyond ourselves and live for a purpose beyond ourselves.

How some people find power in the goal of seeking to become powerful or to seek fame and
recognition. It's a strong drive to live for themselves and to prove their worth, a determined
mind that doesn't seek to back down. Yet behind that drive, to prove one's own worth and value
in the world... is it not to seek the approval of others? Maybe a means to a goal to an inner desire to be able to relate to another human?

It is a way that's approved by the world. It makes people work hard. Keep things going and keeps things fair...

But then, in Christianity, it is taught that God has forgiven us, given us a new life in him and
showed grace that doesn't require anything in return... Teaches that no amount of effort we
put in to saving ourself or to show our own worth will ever amount to anything. That salvation
is about grace given to us and not something we can earn...

So what does it have to do with relations in humans...? Well besides the fact that we were
MADE for having relationship with God, which in very essence coincides with what academics
believe in. Thus, won't it be that in our own lives, we'll never feel complete til we manage to
be able to relate to another person, society or spiritually in a deeper sense...?

Haha... well... it's seems that my undestanding as of now is still inadequate as the words that
seemed to formed in the mind are starting to dissipate and flow into mambo jambo. Many things
seem to be easier thought of in the mind then expressed out in words. Then again, perhaps it's
the lack of proper understanding that's why it is so...

Whatever it is... seems like i've writen quite alot this round... wonder if anyone will understand
this time... haha.

~ Whinings ~

Moaning of childhood desires,
Is but a fragment of what we desire now,
A basis non the less,
Fueling our lost passions.

What we strive for now,
What we write right now,
What we know is true now,
Only but circumstance driven in part.

Admire thee one who writes,
Writes of the heart's true words and desires,
Knowing no fear nor restriction,
In this chained up culture we've formed.

Seeking only to know,
Seeking only to hear,
Seeking only to speak,
Of one's lost words.

Formed in the depths of the mind,
Deep within the night,
When the soul roams among the darkness,
Is lost among passion in deep slumber.

Awaking to loud ringing,
Not one not two but three.
Deeply exhausted and startled.
Only able to speak in riddles,
that might hide yet tell of the truth.

~ The Explaination ... ? ~

A friend sent me something rather interesting, remembered reading it in the past,
but guess it didn't really made an impression. But now it seems to have certain meaning...
hmm anyway here it is...


"...they call it the "Quarter-life Crisis." It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are many things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.

You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met, and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you don't recognize is that they are realizing that too, and aren't really cold, catty, mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.

You look at your job... and it is not even close to what you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are looking for a job and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and that scares you.

Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and are constantly adding things to your list of what is acceptable and what isn't. One minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you. Or you lie in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough that you want to get to know better. Or maybe you love someone but love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you know that you aren't a bad person.


One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap. Getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic. You go through the same emotions and questions over and over, and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision.

You worry about loans, money, the future and making a life for yourself and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!

What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.... "

Guess it does explain certain things... things that i'm going thru and others too... seems like
we're not alone out there... hmmm.
Oh well.... anyone has schmatics of registers or a calculator design? haiz...

~ Reason? ~

Seems like i've changed. Yet again i haven't, maybe only reverting back to my old self.
There were things i've learnt in the army that made me see things clearer and knew how
to cherish, how i miss those things. I try to want it back but yet it seems like it's not
within my understanding anymore. Perhaps i've to take a journey to once again regain it...
Or perhaps it's just an unstable soul that lack security.

Things are much more complicated outside in the world as they say, how true it is after i've
left the army. Had lots of opportunities and experiences. Got hurt and burnt once, twice...
Perhaps that's why i've changed... to be more wary, guarded... to know that trust is given
easily... but hard to mend. To know to mingle the ways of society, yet not completely given
into it... always a step back to have a clearer view...

I still seek the same things as i did then, in the past, even when young. Yet somehow things
are different now. I wonder why. A friend perhaps feels that i've left him or let him down.
Seems like our past is important..... which reminded me of how much i used to treasure
memories and experiences...

Yet people do leave, people do change. So wat can we do..? Just make best use of the moment
i guess. Enjoy it while it lasts... for you never know how long you can stay happy and smiling.

We change, our focus change... yet we might still desire the same things as before.
Yet somehow things are differnt. Opinions are formed and actions seems not to work anymore.
The soul gets distant too. Then again... perhaps there never was anything real
to start with, for one who never really opens up. Then again, perhaps this dog hasn't changed
at all...

~ The Reason...? ~

It's been days since i've written. Been busy abit. Stressed out for awhile.
Shocked with panic, at being so lost at my studies. Even though i thought that i
understood. Turned out i really knew so little about it. Was so worried about
missing lectures that i really didn't want to go for the Nokia training course on friday.
But i think i gained more instead, even though it's much more tiring.
Learned about the different software series each of the Nokia phones had and had some
lessons of how to program for the symbian series 60 platform. However it's still a little
overwhelming.
Then saturday came, and i went for my first experience of a model shoot. Went to assist this
guy Justin, with his shoot to build up his own portfolio and there were like 5 people on the set.
the photographer, stylist, makeup artist, model and me. :)
Took a mental note of how the photographer and stylist, made little style changes with every shot,
and how they wanted to frame it and compose it. Also got to play with the studio lights , man those
are powerful stuff, could blind a person if you looked at it while the flash goes off. Even the spot lights
are very glaring. Think they come in a package of 2k plus, which includes 2 lights, tripods, reflectors
and casing. Damn ex man.
At least i think now i'm more confident of doing my own shoots if asked to, cos more sure of what to do
and stuff. Quite fun actually. :)

Ok ... just crapping my experiences here, now gotta go back to doing labs... wonder when i'll ever
finish... haiz.

So.... what is the Reason..? haha... maybe next time.

~ Digital Painting? ~

Well... didn't really do much today... read finish a book i've been wanting to read,
then spent most of it painting. Yup painting.

Wasn't messy and didn't require me to constantly input water and curses.
Yes curses when you suddenly made a mistake and can't remedy it.
Lucky i've gone digital. Yeah.
Been inspired by those fans whose works are just digital colouring of manga
translated scans. Here's one which i find rather cool. Click here to see it.

If you've wondering why i can't show it here instead... well i can't seem to find
any hosting site for images that'll just allow me to get the picture from there.
And tripod and geocities don't allow me to do that, so i'm just going around it by
creating links to them, hope it works.

Anyway i've tried my hand at coloring one manga section and it took me ...
7 hrs?!.. woo. Now that i've counted it.. seems like i wasted away quite alot of time.
haha. But well.. it's worth it i guess. Learnt some new photoshop techniques while
doing the 'painting'. Anyway here's the original pic. And here's the edited one.

Somehow still not on par with those professionals. But it's a start and i'm kinda proud
of it :). Anyway ... back to datapaths and wat nots... argh...

*~ First steps to resting ~*

First off... in reply to wat weixian said... i ain't having no split personality.
No i am not! ... Noooo.... Ye... Yess..... Yes! I've taken over! Muahahah,
the other me is now out! Yeah! I'm FREEEEEE!!!

Ok... that's just a pathetic and over dramatic attempt... haha.
Anyway, maybe you're right mr weige, maybe you are.
But then again don't we always have an inner voice within us to
talk to? Like another personality that we go to to talk things out.
Maybe schizos become that way when the other voice gets too loud,
when the councious self becomes too weak and shaken and needs to withdraw.
Maybe that's when spilt personailities come about...

Anyway i'm officially into the end of the 2nd day of the week break.
Time is going fast, yet i'm glad i'm able to enjoy this time of quiet to
do my own reading and to watch some shows.

Just watched finish this show " Grave of the Firefiles ", had downloaded it
2 weeks back but never did have the time to go through it.
This show is set during the WW2 period and is about this guy and his sis,
how they went through the war and how it ended... It's a sad show, rather touching
and just somehow seemed real in a way. Although it's all drawn...

But I was thinking, this show was showing how the common people were suffering
because of the war, would Japanese people watching it think that it's the americans who
cause them to suffer like that? Hmmm...

However it seems like the author was trying to focus on how this sibling duo managed to
try and live their lives through out the war period. Perhaps it was due to some thing
the writer went through himself during the war or what... Maybe that's why as i watched..
you could somehow feel the emotions from the film, his strong emotions of being criticised
by other, of wanting to protect his only family...

Although the emotions were strong, they weren't over dramaticised, it was subtle and
done in a rather human like way, where u were just looking at the outer appreance of the
character rather then hearing his inner voice and thoughts as in other shows. In a way,
it causes us to imagine the plight of the characters instead... maybe that's why it feels more
real...

Anyway it's a good show although it doesn't have any flashy graphics as it was made quite
long ago, in 1988 i think. A classic i should say... :)

Alright... on to day 3 now... hope i can come up with the schematics of the calculator lab
i'm supposed to do..

Adieus.

~ Prelude to another break ~

Name: Adrian Lee
Age: 22
Occ: Student
Status: Residing in hall 4 of ntu.

Signed in.

:) Think it's a good way to start, considering how long it's been since i've
written anything here. Surprisingly it's been close to a month since this
has recieved any updates and i wonder how many people actually come to
visit. Even though i don't really say much too.

These past weeks... what has been of them...? Mostly daily rountines, go to
lec, go to lab, go to tut. Rush lab, rush tut. Try to understand lecturers, try to
understand notes. Time just seemed to rush by, and now i'm in the friday of the
week before my recess week.

Had lots to think about even though i was busy with work. But still will always
manage to cram in some gaming sessions with the guys on thurs and fridays.

Sigh.

Damn it's hard to type.
After such a long break it just seems so hard for words to come out, to flow.
It's like there's this pause in the mind.
At the back of my head, there's so many clouds... solitary clouds, storing their
own mixture of ideas, of chemical processes. Bumping around, bumping each other.
Never mixing with another to become bigger. Always maintaining their own shape and size.

Yet it's just so hard to ever put things down to words.
Have you ever had moments where you seemed to understand everything? Thought
that you were able to know what's really going on. Yet the next, lose hold of that vision,
and then start at 0, being lost yet knowing there's something more...

It's funny how this mind works.

Funnier how, it doesn't seem to be mine at times.
:)

*hopefully the woodbridge ppl dun see this.

~ RALLY RALLY RALLY ~

Don't know how many people caught the national day rally last night.
Even though it lasted 3 hrs plus, I didn't really feel bored. In fact i was rather
interested in what PM Lee had to say next. Which is rather amazing considering
that i can't really last 1hr with my lecturers.

Must say that he's an engaging speaker and has touched on topics that
have been avoided in the past. Seems like a new start and lots of changes
to be implemented.

Then again, it could be the case of wanting to impress and to give people promises
when one takes over a new post. Also i was wondering, if the previous 2 PMs
hadn't been the ones to enforce certain policies and encouraged savings, would there
be anything there for the new PM to make use of to make changes? Guess it's just
good timing and all.

At least i can say he's made a good start. Hopefully his years in politics under the guidiance
of his father and pm goh would enable him to be a more efficient minister. After all,
he's quite people orientated so we can expect him to feel more for the people, but hopefully
he's also able to be firm enough to make proper decisions.

*.... lots to do, new hopes
how one man in the right position
can be able to change mindsets
and influence others.... *

~ The procrastinating dawn ~

Bogged and tied down.
PHS is now known as NHS (NTU Home Stayer).
Living an enclosed life within a very large and hilly
enclosure. With it's own self supporting mart, canteens
and MAC.

6 Mods to clear this time round.
Slightly gappy timetable. 4 hr breaks.
Enough for a quick nap.

Lots of 1's and 0's. Even more K-maps, VEM, EVM
and MacQuinsly. AND, OR's and NOTs. Think very
soon i can see things like NEO.

Guess whats this is : $ 48 454C 4C4F (Hex)
Another way to rep: 01001000 0100010101001100 0100110001001111 (Bin)
In Ascii : H E L L O.
Amazing....
And i've got a lec who does such transformations on the fly.
No cals, no tables, no help.. no pause. She must be Trinity...

Having a GE this sem, first one so far.
Creative relations for life. So far quite intersting.
Discuss many things, confirmed things for me too.
Answered things i've been wondering about...

Sadly today, reminded of bonding.
Male bonding. Yes, it is rather strong.
Yet it's not something to bring around everywhere
into each part of life.
Only found during a certain time when all are gathered,
those who've gone through stuff together.
Can i ever be upgraded...

How funny now, in this stage, one is able to see
the growing process one has gone through, by
looking at others around.
When one does not hang his head down to see the
ants that much. He actually sees how many people
are the same. How many are going through their own
struggles...

Those sharks still haven't come, maybe they want to surprise us.
When can i move stuff back...?
Room kinda small now.

Mmmm still no time to upload pics...
hope to do that soon.
Hope to be able to get thru this sem smoothly...

~ Been a while ~

It's been a while since i've tried to last pen down any words.
The past weeks of moving into hall and trying to get to a good start with
school has been rather trying.

Been sorting out stuff the past days, clearing and keeping. Hiding stuff
so them "badies" can't take'em away. Storing my memories and filing my
docs. Came across many things, things forgotten things that made me want
to do something.

Realised i haven't actually been doing any writing to anyone these past years,
and after going through all those stuff, felt the need to write. Write to those
who mattered and those who's lives i've been wanting to acknowledge...

Those stored feelings that were written on paper by pen, is far more powerful
then any sms or electronic mails or any other mediums that are digital. There's
a somewat magical and personal touch when one write or makes something for
another. Like putting a part of themselves into their creation.

How i've missed those times i've done so. Done so in those younger years.
Maybe as we grow older, we may mature, may grow, yet who said growth was
always progressive. Maybe the things that mattered most in our youths are the
things that are left behind and the most valuable. Does the big picture always matters?
Does the worlds views constantly need to be imposed on ourselves...

Now we're running, now we're hiding. Creditors have come this day.
Hope it'll pass and things settle soon. See a light behind this coming event.
Hope that it'll be the end, where money doesn't have to be so tightly held.
Where every cent always being reminded to save... while others around
treat things with so little care.

Perhaps it's time to go back to my tuts.
Another time perhaps, to show some fireworks. :)

~ And so it begins ... ~

Gee, so fast and the last week of the hols has passed in the blink of the moment.
All the orientation camps have come to a close and what's left is lots of recuperation
for many. 
Still don't feel like school is starting. Feels like it's the holidays still. Sigh, i feel like i felt
when i've just orded. Heh. What the heck. Back to square one. And so the cycle of mugging
continues once again, making the smart smarter and the lazy ones... skip lectures. :)

Monday, the new day of the week, got up early, felt excited... yeah. Gonna be going to school
from home. Doesn't seem that bad. Quite alright i should say... could get used to it, if i ain't
staying in the hall. Anyway, guess what. I was early for the lecture this sem. Not bad i should
say, but sad enough, the lecturer probably thought that it was still the holidays too. Or maybe
he just had a rough night with his wife the previous night. He came just 10 mins before the
lecture ended and just gave us a brief intro. That's so nice of him.. to still remember us,
when he could've just left us waiting and let us all rot or leave for home which we've just left
more then an hour plus ago...

Mmmm... MACs has finally arrived into NTU. Dunno why but it just feels good. Gives the
place something "fast", or maybe it's cos it's an MNC... giving the canteen an international feel?
I dun really care much about it cos no matter what, eating it everyday's gonna cost a bomb.
But it gives this air of excitement and i dunno colours up the place a little? Gives canteen A
a brighter feel i guess? Maybe the colours really do affect the human moods...

Books books... as usual, there's a book fair just outside the canteen. Lots of old books for sale.
Programming books... computer books... story books.. etc etc... why couldn't i find a good and
more updated java book for 9 bucks, like i did last sem? Hmm hope i'll find something to
reference myself to and make me feel more secured... haha.

Monday afternoon... lectures ended. Went to collect my hall keys. Asked Kk to go try asking
the hall office again if he had gotten a hall. Didn't know the 3rd round results were out...
Not bad, he got it. Guess what, we're in the same room again. haha, must be fated :) And there i
was, thinking in my head how i should start introing myself to my new roommate.

Mon nite, Tues evening, all spent cleaning up this new room. Not bad i should say. At least
there's 2 fans and the lights are brighter. However a certain problem seems to be the infestion
of mozzies... gonna have to get lots of mozzie coils. Damn... or maybe i should just get those
electronic types. Buzz away mozzies!

Gonna move in soon. yea... back to surfing the lan, back to late nights, back to mugging and
drowning. Back to climbing hills, back to communal living. Back to the ways i've left behind
3 months ago. Somehow i've missed it yet somehow i'm too lazy to go back into it. I wonder
why... has home grown on me already? Heh. I wonder....
Oh well.. gotta wake up early tom... gotta catch the early ride so i can move my stuff in,
looking forward to this new sem. Hope it's better... hope i get luck. :)

~ 7 days and 6 nights ~
 
Well finally back from the sports camp. It was a 7 days of self entertainment
and chalet time for me. Haha.  Luckliy i had friends with me there doing
the welfare thing or else i would be so damn sian.
 
Watching people having fun was quite interesting at first, then the cheers sounded
rather funny. Then it got abit irritating... then it stuck in my head... and then i would
subconciously say it when we woke up to get breakfast in the mornings. Haha.. damn
stupid cheers. I think another 1 day or 2 days more and it should get out of my mind.
 
Well, one thing i've learnt, if you're looking to have fun, never join the supporting commitees of any camps. You'll only end up waiting and doing lots of sai kang. Not very nice if you're not getting enough rest too. :(
 
But anyway still had fun staying over at Chester's with jie and hz. Makes doing things together more fun and easier too. (Imagine waking up at 6 by yourself everyday while sleeping at 1-2am, don't think i could've woken up myself.. haha) Took turns driving "xiao lan", (our own ISUZU ELF 150 CUSTOM lorry, heh), shiok man, just love the feeling of driving big vehicles, think i've lost touch of cars already.
 
Anyway think this year's freshies seem a little more onz, they played and cheered so much longer that we had to wait for them to finish before we could leave on sun. Good for them but bad for us as we were like waiting and waiting only... hate that feeling. Esp when we're not playing along. :p
 
Was greeted with a spectacular sight while walking home yesterday over the senkang/punggol flyover. Saw the setting sun, with red wispy clouds, white blue and orangey skies blending together. Also cars with head lights already turned on. It was quite a sight, a real pity i didn't have my olympus...

~ Alluring Night ~

Standing by the window,
The Neighbourhood gazing back,
Peacful quietness, all sound asleep,
Aullure of past nights, wafting past.

Wondering of the boy that once was.
Was so enticed by the darkness of this stillborn.
Of things naughty and fun done.
Of past deeds of fond memories that once were.

Alas this stillborn, is not the natural way.
For the body was not meant to move in the night.
Wise sayings come ringing, now knowing why.
Still, life gained, in a different way.

Desires of the heart calling strong,
Calling hard, pulling the strings now taut,
Playing a tune so mellow...
Per chance hoping for one to hear, to share.

Funny how, this allure changes.
The mind and heart, from a rejoycing sun'd morn.
Funny how , as i've learnt from the Lord,
Just as soon follow the world, my own sense.

More will see this allure, more will follow,
Yet more know to avoid, embracing the dawn.
Yet this heart readily curls to this stillness...
crying.

~ Ramblings ... ~

He who walks
Walks tall and wide.
But that is not to be,
For he would be brought down soon enough.

To fall is so easy,
Though painful sometimes.
Might be hard to get up,
Some prefering to crawl.

Hands are abundant,
Willing to pull,
But pride plays a curtain
Blinding the soul sometimes.

To he who has slithered,
Down the dark slopes.
Wandering on fours, wondering what's wrong.
He knows joy when grace lifts him up.

But he who walks tall,
Walk knowingly, humbly,
Lest he falls like the others.
For he who walks, falls before.

How long more,
Is the way clear?
When will he walk again?

~Confessions of a broken mind~

Pain used to be something to overcome.
It used to be a challenge.
Still is.
But now, even in dreams.

Comfort is supposed to be synonymous with rest.
But it ain't the case no more,
Tiredness is a lesser burden,
Compared to feeling alive.

Anguish and bitterness came,
Was stuck in rage's cage.
Yet all the while seeming to be in the light.
Hopelessly covering the cracks in the walls.

Hope came, hope healed.
For a while there was purpose.
It got better, but complacency took over.
Then stopped and things got worse.

Now it's slowly coming back,
Not as intense, but creeping, lingering.
At the back, down the back, driving me nuts.
But it's different from before.

Tried to serve, to give my life,
But Inner self and desires always lay dorment,
Even without intensity, the mind is a watchful leopard.
So lust overcomes and without much thought, relents.

Pain as punishment is better, compared to coming from nowhere at all.
We may all need our own pain's to keep us in check.
For I thought of this while in one...

Trying out the past

Saw this page on old radio shows. Found it rather
funny. And if anyone would like to hear how old radio
was like you can pop over to radiolovers.

Also decided to change the music to a clip
of the "The 20th Aniversary Banquet". Also found on that site.
Haha... can leave my page open to hear the whole show.
Lasts about 25 mins.
Hope it doesn't irritate the hell out of anyone. :p

A morning long overdued...

Guess it's started. Was wondering when it would happen.
This well's starting to dry up.
Words don't seem to flow like they used to.
Maybe the novelty is starting to dry off.

Perhaps all i had was just snippets to write.
Bits of ideas left from the jungle of my thoughts.
Nothing concrete, nothing tangible.
Just pure bubbles floating about, waiting to pop.

Ah, that just about sums up how i've been trying
to get to updating this page. But guess the past week
has been kinda busy. And now that laziness has got to
me i guess i just kinda put it off even more.
Well it's time to set things straight. :)

Let's see... i left off with ... ya white sandy beaches
and clear blue seas. Guess what. I really did. Was totally
amazed. Clear waters, colourful fishes. And fun with a bunch
of guys. Got some pics up at webshots if anyone's interested :)

Time spend with the guys were great, and it just reminds me
of the times of bonding we used to have back at camp. Don't really
know how to describe it but, being with them i'm just being me,
and i can be as silly as i like. :p At the same time, i feel a little
more bold, lending some of their strengths and personality. Also
knowing well that although we may not see each other most of the time,
I can always count on them when i need to. :)

Anyway, last week was also the last day of work for me, had this
outing to saeke sushi to kinda celebrate. Ate til i wanted to burst
and that stupid HW still want to fill me with wasabi. At least he suffered
together with me! MUahhahah.

Saw this interesting article yesterday in the straits times,
about some web comic, drawn and conceptualized by singaporeans.
Not a bad effort i must say. Here's the links:

Anema
Bobbin
Slackers
Comixpedia

The sun before the Noon...

Recollecting this past week.
Thinking of what i've learnt, said and seen.

Of stories and games. Seems so reverting, those fantasy
games. With their complex story lines... always somehow,
having something to do with time, 'creation' and religion.

Yet almost always.. they fall back onto Christian texts.
Then remodelling it and combining them with myth and science.
To create a link, seemingly seemless. And I just find myself caught
up in the story sometimes. Don't know about the rest, but i think
most gamers do and that's why the final fantasy series is so popular.
Even The Matrix. Though trying to deal with philosophy, has so much
Christian ideas in it.

Does this say something about us humans... even though we may have
differing views. We are all dying to know some truth? All so hooked on
knowning that there's something beyond. Maybe we're created this way,
to want to seek out a God? Which in the Bible is true.

Anyway, that aside... it's also a sad week. Not for me but a friend.
For his sudden departure of his Dad.
It happened so sudden in a way and I don't know how he's taking it now.
Don't know if he's going to be asking why.... or blaming anyone or anything
inside him. But i guess he's matured enough, and being the first child,
he's got to settle lots of things. I feel for him. His burden and all.
Guess he's got lots of paper work to settle and then his job to keep him
occupied. But don't know if he's alright inside. Don't know how to help him,
but i guess i'll just pray... hope his faith will be strong.

Guess it just reinforces the fact that life's just so fragile.
Gotta treasure what we have. Who we know. Those we care for.
But guess what, it ain't that easy. For we're all too caught up
in our own lives...

Feeling drained, tired.
Needing a break.
Gonna have it in 4 hrs time.

Gonna leave.
Gonna say good bye.
For three days.

Off to Tioman,
To where the beach is white
And the water blue.

I hope. :)

The slow dawn...

Got the rest i needed.
Feel as shitty still.
Not quite as bad as i thought.

Been turning down requests these days,
not sure why too.
Because i'm running, wanting to be alone?
Need to sort out myself with HIM?

Enjoyed the punggol night air with a friend,
Enjoyed the chatting and sharing,
Found abit of myself that i've lost,
And learnt abit more... and understood abit more.

Said what i've felt these days,
Regreting if it was right or wrong.
But after that i felt i've learnt some thing...
Then i realised it's perhaps meant for me to do so.

Don't have to be in it,
To still be able to contact them.
To be able to keep in touch.
I've just another path to take that's all.

There's phones and icq and msn these days.
Gotta try not to think of me too much,
Gotta get out of the shell.
To see the ones around me,
Needing comfort... maybe.

Beginning of the end...

Finally it's over.. all those nights of OT and packing.
Been so tired that i've fallen ill on tues... argh... bad
throat, dunno how come it can lead on to such a bad fever...
had trouble going home that day... almost couldn't make it..
didn't felt so giddy before, body losing control.
KO on floor after i got home, it never felt more cooler
in my life.... ahhhhh...

Anyway, i'm well enough to write now, but still i can't swallow.
ARGh... saw my friends eating all those other 'hard' food.. so tempting
and all i can do is eat soupy and porridgey stuff. Sigh.... tummy feels
so empty... haha.

Hz, Hw and B have left for reservist, think staying on there is
gonna be a little bit more boring... but at least there's still some
jokers around for me to play with. :) So guess it'll be alright... just
some extra cash to last for next sem... hopefully.

~ PHS was once in a red team, going on to the finals. Along the way,
he experienced all kinds of emotions, fears , joy, sadness, etc. But
was determined to make it through to the finals.
Halfway through the semi finals, PHS sustained an injury that couldn't
allow him to play anymore. How sad he is... for he had always wanted to
go to the end with his team mates.
Now he can only watch from the stands...imagining to be there on the field.

~ This path that's taken has been set,
As a guide and gift from above,
For a request made long ago,
Then only a lost wanderer.

Not knowing whether to accept
The signs seen before,
Only going through step by step,
Slowly seeing the truth beyond.

Accepting that which came to pass,
The end which was only a beginning,
A new phase that brought more changes,
And problems to keep one awake.

Taking away that which is of pride,
But most of all the bonds formed,
Leaving behind a new beginning,
Finding and having new acceptance.

Though it aches.
Though still smiling.
Inside is a turmoil of battles left unsettled...

Tired out PHS...

Been a tiring match, but the scores are out for this week.
PHS 6 - SBS 0

3 more matches to go, hopefully PHS doesn't give up and
will be able to tackle any of SBS's foul plays.

Enough of the scores, been seeing lots of papers the past week.
Lots of countings and tapings. And stormy weathers that cleared
with generally strong winds blowing northwards.
Won't be seeing the clouds soon i hope. :)

One thing struck me though... was the Jack Neo's new movie.
"Best Bet". Each morning held untold horror if i missed the train
transfer at Dhoby Ghaut. Untold repeats of "Bai Liu Li Bai Hui Bu Hui Kai..."
rang throughout the quiet morning station. Neves were twitching and
the smile couldn't help breaking out at first... but by the 6th day....
ARGHHHHHHHH....!
Think the comics section in today's Life best decscribed what i felt! hahaha.

Also .... I hate to say this... but i think China people are cheats.
Kaoz, even before the exam has ended we've already got quite a number who
had notes finding their ways into pockets and even getting themselves written on
transperent pencil boxes. Ok maybe it's just a minority of them but guess they must
be quite desperate... but what would make of them if they do go out to work in
some company next time... will they change figures if things don't tally ???

Missed a camp... felt bad... but then again i really can't go and my body's kinda
breaking down... 12hrs last night and i still feel sleepy! haha. I'm old... sigh.
But then.. i remembered a friend saying that, what's the point in feeling bad about
something you've already done. Make it up with future actions. Guess that's true...

Anyway just had renewed interest in D2. Anyone out there playing...? Wanna TCP/IP?
:)

~Victory Short Lived...~

0720 Hrs, The stage was set, the players at the ready.
SBS had started warm up earlier before the break of dawn.

0655, PHS (Punggol Home Stayer) just got up, and lazily
prepared for the match.
0722, PHS left home ground and started with a slow walk.
Sensing SBS catching up at 0726, PHS quickened the pace
and beat the red light to catch SBS at 0728.

0730 saw the arrival of both players. PHS sensing the
departure at 0733, made long steps towards SBS home ground.
The clock was ticking and was screaming "2MINS".

More then enough time, PHS took the path to glory in style,
taking his time to move to the finish line.
1Min left! GOAL! He touched down and scored the long awaited goal!
Finding his place in the arena, he took seat and enjoyed
the fruits of the winning.

PHS saw a beachball came in halfway, felt like moving to it,
but didn't. After 10 sec, moving didn't seem like the right
thing to do. The crowds would be wondering.. or would they?
Then Beachball just stayed there til the end. PHS felt guilty and
weird.

Today's Noobs were going for field trip. Had fun riding around.
But CAT 1 dominated most of the day. Windy conditions, blowing thunder clouds
here and there. Lightening was seen as different times of the day.
Poor PHS took the thunder stike and the storm started to subside some what.
The noobs were seeking shelter and a few lucky ones found it at the pantry.

Now we shall prepare for another battle ....

This is for Ben. The lyrics are what i've been telling you about.
Artist: Liz Phair
You think that I go home at night
Take off my clothes, turn out the lights
But I burn letters that I write
To you, to make you love me

Yeah, I drive naked through the park
And run the stop sign in the dark
Stand in the street, yell out my heart
To make, to make you love me

I am extraordinary
If you'd ever get to know me
I am extraordinary
I am just your ordinary
Average every day sane psycho
Supergoddess
Average every day sane psycho
You may not believe in me
But I believe in you
So I still take the trash out
Does that make me too normal for you

So dig a little deeper cause
You still don't get it yet
See me lickin' my lips, need a primitive fix
And I'll make, I'll make you love me

I am extraordinary
If you'd ever get to know me
I am extraordinary
I am just your ordinary
Average every day sane psycho
Supergoddess
Average every day sane psycho
Supergoddess
See me jump through hoops for you
You stand there watching me performing
What exactly do you do
Have you ever thought it's you that's boring
Who the hell are you

I am extraordinary
If you'd ever get to know me
I am extraordinary
I am just your ordinary
Average every day sane psycho
Supergoddess
Average every day sane psycho

Average every day sane psycho
Supergoddess
Average every day sane psycho

Average every day sane psycho
Supergoddess
Average every day sane psycho

Average every day sane psycho

THE TROUBLE WITH TRANSPORT

What's it with the public transport these days.
Always seem to have funny problems coming up one!
NEL NEL.... haiz.

The sign put 2 mins to departure... I got in,
and waited... 1 min.... 3min... oh the train at the
other side has arrived. 1 min more... Ding Dong, train
doors closing... thought i would be moving off.
Hmm not moving....
opened eyes...
Woo ... the train on the other side has left.
What luck.... then 5 mins later... i finally felt
the train move. But what the heck. I'm too tired to bother.
Just slept my way through.
Saw a colleague at orchard... then he met up with 2 others.
Glad to be with them. At least wun come in too late alone. Haha!

Well, it's been another day,
feeling damn tired, dunno why.
Yet i still am dragging myself to carry on
the day till the wee hours.

Started out rather hectic though,
i purposely tried to get out earlier today,
but missed just by a few sec, the 0733 train.
Then when i reached PS at ard 0805, i went to the
bus stop at park mall, i saw 605, tried to catch it...
BUT! knn it sped off just as i crossed the road.

Then i had to wait like til 0820 before 190 came.
But in the end i was late for like 5-10mins.
Damn sian... even when i try to be early, i can't.

Guess it just means things are never really under our
control. Felt kinda mad at first, but as i thought about
it, there's no point in it and it's a good way to train
one's patience and tolerance level? Haha...

Work, started with us helping out to usher the invigilators,
had fun seeing my friends there and also the chio bus.
haha. But then after lunch.. things slowed down and
i was constantly fighting the zee monster who seemed to
love creeping up behind me and stunning me. Dohz.

Well, i'm glad i had company on the journey home today,
enjoyed catching up with those 2 rascals. One vain pot and
the other a whiney singer. Hahah...
Anyway Here's something heartwarming for those
who pass by to "peng chang" :)

Red Sun on a blue monday

Start of the week,
ain't that bad.
Had some fun and laughter.

Saw some pretty sights as i
walked down orchard to home.
Though tired, yet i still managed
somehow though to keep on moving.

Kinda obsessed with minesweeper,
A constant challenge to the mind.
But it's draining, parts of me away.

Did not do that which will
keep me from pain today while i
clicked furiously for mines to seek.

Now i remember, the setting sun,
out of the station as i've seen.
Red it was, and 3 blimps accompanined the scene.

The whitish clouds in the sky, in
the flat plains called punggol,
I saw white and red and black too.

Thunder flashed in the blackness,
as the the red floating plains, turned redder still.
Til as i walked and turned around, and saw
them joined in darkness.

The lightness too, in the south, slowly faded
and that ended my glorious pleasure,
with much regret for my olympus was at home.

Awoken...
But eyelids are heavy...
The body unwilling
The soul trudging.

Just as soon as the phoenix rises from the ashes,
More ash is poured onto him.
Bring him back into the darkness's comfort.
Yet back to the same way, the cycle that has
been from since he first took the forbidden path.

Others pull the legs of those,
who struggle to get up, to want to be free too,
but unknowingly causing all to be trapped in darkness.

Not by our own endeavours,
can we ever get past our cyclic paths,
but by the grace of one who has always been
above, to pull us up...

Found a rather interesting article in how stuff works,
Toyota Concept cars.
Saw some really cool designs and ideas.
Kinda gives some inspirations as to how the future might be.

Anyway, had dinner at chom chom with some of my medic friends,
it was a fun time. With us teasing ler blur most of the time and
he being the idiotic one as usual. Haha.

Got to hear of lots of business ideas from alvin, some cock and
some already done. Bottom line, we all lack the funds and connections.
But the ideas are there.

Anyway, i think i'm slowly rising up from the ashes...
And then i see clearly for the first time, things i haven't been
able to understand before... I thank God for that.
And i see friends, somehow starting to go through what i have been,
what i was and am.
Yet i still feel the anguish at times, of my inability to fulfill
a dream that might never be. But i use that energy to move myself,
to go forward... faster and wider.
I wonder how i can help them... those who i feel for, whom i feel
like helping. But i dunno how, maybe i can only listen.

Then again, i haven't even really settled my own heart.
Whether to end, to try again or to just ignore it. But it doesn't
bother me too much, yet i think about it now and then.
Why?
But the dreams for a sweet future are not that strong...
it's left hollow.
Perhaps that's best, for i'm living in today now. Not dreaming
of a better tomorrow...

Maybe i should just do something... whether to end or have another chance..
at least it's a choice i have made and not left to nothing....

Went to catch shrek 2 today with CK and vic, haywire of a time trying
to get the tickets. From Ps, trying to get tickets, ended up booking
for seats in marina.
Plus the fact that i was kinda sleepy, i felt like i was in
a state of dreamyness. Felt a fleeting feeling like that.

Anyway i got a good laugh out of it and it's been a while since i've
felt this way. Heh. So i really recommend this show to anyone just wanting
to relax and have a good laugh(had lots of spoofs inside too).
Also, it felt great to have met up with them.

Still feeling kinda 'high' think i'd better sleep soon or i'm
gonna be late tom... argh...

Think it's time to change this layout...
Doesn't suit me. Haha.

Met a friend today, who had the intention of telling
me about this MLM company he joined.

At first i thought he was gonna tell
me all about the potential of it and all,
the profits to be made... blah blah blah.
And to want me to join, and he did, but in a 'soft approach' way.

But somehow, he wasn't trying to push it to me and was
trying to understand my side of view (which was surprising)
and i appreciated it. Then it turned into a time of
sharing, about how he was skeptical at first and then
how he felt that it was a path for him showed by God.

Turned out i learned something from him,
that God really does respond to each of us differently,
and has different uses for us.
Seeing him today, smartly dressed and driving, i couldn't
help wonder what if i had perservered and stayed on in this line...
but guess my path lies elsewhere.

But the effect of the excitement of learning about the market,
passive income, knowing how to manage and sell, doesn't impress me
as much as it did before(perhaps cos i'm more wary?). Guess it doesn't
really appeal to me anymore as i've shifted my focus to my spiritual walk...

Hope now that he doesn't get too caught up in it and forgot why he got
into it in the first place...wish him all the best.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
... the path i've chosen is necessarily difficult...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Will the fun know of the suffering,
Surfferings of the anguished and lost,
Lost in the wild grasp of rage,
Raging within a battle that consumes the mind.

For then, begins a cycle of tumbling emotions,
thrashing within like a wild stallion,
Full of power and fearing none.
Like a drug that slowly takes over the mind.

Lost in this painful cycle,
Yet enjoying it's sweet sense of power,
Feeling control yet having none,
So lost so lost...

All breaks down and nothing's left,
The wanting, the loving, the desires,
The hatred, jealousy and greed,
Gives way when, darkness lifted.

To the creator who shows his pressence,
showing gratitude and faith,
Thus embarking on another rough journey.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Seeing a friend of mine, trying to perhaps vent his
anger and frustration, reminded me of times past.
Of a time when words would flow relentlessly, for the
churning of emotions just kept producing them. Fueling
them with thoughts that were bursting to come out...

Perhaps the root that caused such worries might be
different for each person, but the process that each of us
goes through should be quite similar...

Though he seems quite normal on the outside and seems
cheerful enough, i wonder if he's just corking the problem.
I do that too much to know what it'll do. Now it's better
for me but still i fall back to it when things get out of hand.
Just hope he's able to slowly release the pressue bit by bit.

Perhaps i've been rather cryptic so far...
but guess that doesn't matter.

The mind's a funny thing... always thinking of many things.
Wishing to do many things.
Sometimes i do... sometimes i forget.
But does it matter even if i forget?
Where do we place our values in... when the
world is a changing place...
If there was eternalty, and life now was but a
learning platform, what values do we want to bring
with us to eternalty?
What kind of a person would i want to be...

I would want to follow values of eternalty...

Watched 2 shows today, ok make that 3 if recorded shows are included.
One was fruits basket in the afternoon, then City of Glass at night
and also Malcolm in the Middle (Woo Hoo it's Back!).

But what's their significance or what did it do? What's the impact
on me to write about it here today? Well, the first 2 are rather
emotional. Did invoke rather intense feelings that have lasted til
now. While Malcolm is a funny show, but puts the feelings us humans
have into some kind of perspective. It's like a style that doesn't get
serious but is actually talking about rather important things.

Fruits basket was about memories. Memories of those departed. And of
those still living. Also about how we handle the trials in our lives.
Whether if we'll still be able to stand up again and smile if our loved
ones died. Whether we'll be able to carry on, and then there was this boy
who has this very cheerful character but has been erased from the memories
of his mother.

This was due to the fact that he is a 'monster'(changing into a rabbit whenever
a member of the opposite sex hugs him) and his mother couldn't take it.
She broke down. And as he puts it "...rejected him with all her heart...".
Seems very sad..... and yet he still is strong enough to want to carry on
to hope that one day things will be alright. Is that the human spirit it's
portraying...?

Then the show City of Glass, 2 love stories running concurrently, one about
tony leung and shu qi and the other is about tony's son and shu qi's daughter.
They weren't married to each other by the way(So it's not incest).
It was a rather nice show, with very nostalgic feel to it. Captured an essence
of the past and the turmoils of the 70s, 80s(If i'm not wrong) and of the fun
uni students at their time had and the things they stood up for.
Which is quite unlike today.

I somehow felt that this show was more of someone's feelings of the past and
was trying to show how things have changed and also managed to integrate a love
story into it. And had done so quite nicely.

Here's the lyrics to the song that was played and got stuck in my head..

~~Try To Remember~~
Try to remember the kind of September
when life was slow and oh, so mellow.
Try to remember the kind of September
when grass was green and grain was yellow.
Try to remember the kind of September
when you were a tender and callow fellow,
Try to remember and if you remember the follow.

Try to remember when life was so tender
that no one wept except the willow.
Try to remember when life was so tender that
dreams were kept beside your pillow.
Try to remember when life was so tender that
love was an ember about to billow.
Try to remember and if you remember then follow.

Deep in December it's nice to remember
altho you know the snow will follow.
Deep in December it's nice to remember
without the hurt the heart is hollow.
Deep in December it's nice to remember
the fire of September that made us mellow.
Deep in December our hearts should remember and follow.

Office just got more crowded today. But somehow
the number of things to do was better today.
Seemed to have done more. Ha...
Anyway had a shock to know that a platoon mate of mine
was in hospital and after work, went with a few others
to find him.
Felt sorry to see him in a bloated state, after a virus
attack to his kidney. But as usual, he had this aura of
calmness and acceptance about him. He had this ever since
i've known him and in a way, I feel that this is what makes him
special.

Was also happy to see my other platoon mates after so long.
Has dinner with them after the visit. Just felt nice to be with
them to catch up and all. But sadly, it had to take something to
happen to one of us, to cause us to meet up.

I wonder then, how hard it is to just gather to catch up with each
other if nothing happens. Maybe its because, we're all so busy with
our own lives...? Maybe also we're not that close after all...?
Only just coming together easily when possible because of the
familiarity that we've had and the times of trials we went through together?

Then i saw another platoon mate, with his friends. He's like so close
with them that even though they have things to do, they'll still meet
up to have meals together. And they've been like together since sec sch.
Seems to be quite a bonding. But it just makes him less acceptable of the
other friends around him i guess. Harder to meet up and all. Which is quite
sad as i've always regarded him as a close pal. Maybe we all just have our
own lives to lead.

Just hope our hol trip will come true....

It drizzled today. But light enough to walk in.
That was how the day started.

Ended just as i am now... typing these words.
Went into the night's presence just now. Felt the calling.
Felt the charm. Felt the push and felt the need...
the need to keep the focus.

Love... no more a feeling. But just a commandment...?
To do right to a person no matter what the other has done.
Heh... oh what has tomorrow in store.

The more i think... the more i'll just be tested on.

Had a taste of the "ji pa" today, from my
friend's packet. Haha. Hmmm wasn't as nice as it
used to be in my memory. Maybe it's cos they didn't
put the red chilli powder on it.

Wanted to go buy the bus concession for this month.
But basket... thought orchard machine spoilt then
i went to sengkang to do. Also couldn't then when i asked
a lady at the counter, she said i could only buy it together.

Meaning i could only do so next month when my mrt concession
expires. ok so damn.... now i've got to spend so much on bus
fares each day. argh.... thought i could save some this round.
So if anyone wants to buy both, you'd better buy them together
and not seperately on different days.
Sianz, go wild goose chase again.

Anyway had an interesting view of sec sch kids these days.
I was just sitting behind them and they were like talking away,
thinking that they were the only ones on the bus and comparing results
and stuff. Then this gal saw her little sis a few seats in front and
they were like conversing like nobody's business and saying their family stuff.
Haha... wanted to laugh... but i just smiled.
Wonder if that's what kids will always be.... oblivious to their surroundings?
:)

Monday, monday, where's the blues.
Woke up seeing the blue blue sky today.
Tired. But somehow knowing it's the first day of the week,
that gave me strength, just that bit more energy to
crawl out of bed... and i really mean crawl.

Work work... again to work. And finally i got the
timing right and was at least on time. Well at least
the door wasn't closed this time. Ha!

Lunch held a rather interesting encounter, heard from
the rest, that taiwan has finally brought it's 'ji pah'
(chicken fillet) to singapore and it's now in far east basement.
Selling at $3 each. And to think that while i was in taiwan i
kept pondering about the possibility of brining in the
'ji pah' to singapore. I'll definitely try it one day,
sure brings back memories of taiwan.

Then i bumped into a rather familar figure. With a
smaller resemblance of herself by her side. Ever being
the good figure of a Da jie. Haha..
ok anyway was good to have seen her, it's been a long time
since i've met her already.

Then i played merry go round in the mrt... took the wrong way...
went back the same way i came from at cityhall... argh...
took me til somerset to realise that. Haha... wat a trip.

After an hour... i finally reached my destination!
Yeah....!!! But! I got to do lots of balancing acts... damn my
back and legs ache. But guess they'll do lots of good. Now i'm
starting to appreciate walking and all, and the miracle of health.
But guess i've just got more pulling... and ball playing in store
ahead of me only. Sighzzz... another 7 1/2 hrs tom... haha.

One does learn new things everyday.

Learnt that, love ain't about emotions.
And more of a will. A will to the do right thing.
Doesn't have to be associated with good feelings.

So that's the key to " love thy neighbour ".
Living a life of righteousness, is perhaps the
hardest thing to do.

And so is the fact that, we shouldn't be living
to be self gratifying....
Satifying our own desires. Giving in to them.
That's not our role or purpose, that's why society
is having so much problems these days.

But not to say that is wrong though... just
perhaps things should be taken into the right perspective.

Its funny how, a sudden bump into an old friend can suddenly
brighten up one's spirit.

To bring sudden remembrance of times past and of the good and fun things
that happened before. Perhaps walking around does help, elevates the
pain of living, to see the world as a moving puzzle, to see it flow by.

Sometimes, i wonder how fragile the human heart is. Yet at times it
gets so hard and even though it thinks inside it's stoney walls that
it has feelings, things never get past that wall.

Only causing the bearer more anguish. Yet at the same time feeling
so fragile...

I've got a friend, who's waiting now.
Waiting for a girl's response to him. Why do girls tend to try to be nice?
To make the guy wait... or leave him hanging.
Then there are those that play around, checking out the field....
Are guys really oppressing the girls as feminists say? Are we really that sexist?
Look at what the world is today... it's a woman's market but a guy's warzone.

Perhaps i'm wrong... but what i see today doesn't say otherwise...

Feeling of dread and confusion today.
Feeling of sadness at the same time free.
Free from the bondage of the fears of my mind.

Sad at the lose of things to come.
Of bonds to further strengthen over the years...
Of the times that were to come,
Of times that were meant to be shared when greyed.

I'll serve a longer sentence probably,
sad, yet relieved. That i do not have to think of
what ifs anymore. Of needless struggles with my
mind.

Anyway, sometimes it's with the people that you
aren't the closest with that you enjoy the most.
For to be with those you know who ignores you,
it hurts.

Anyway the message board seems to be up ... but damn
why izzt blank.... oh blanko... damn it...
oh well.. another day.

Wat a way to start a new week, couldn't sleep well last night.
Then, ended up waking up late and was about 15 mins late for
first day of work. Kinda fucked up feeling isn't it.

Well lucky things ain't so bad... but went through the day
feeling like a zombie.

Damn, why doesn't the tag board work anymore. What's it's
freaking problem. Hmmmm.

Anyway just went to check out my old site,
brings back memories of the days when the internet first started.
Everything was, 'wild and free' and there was this newness to it.
An excitement of not knowning what's next.

Am i getting old or am i just looking back fondly to the past
too much?
Wat's it with us humans always wanting to look back,
to see the past, to remember the good old day, so to speak,
to feel assurance... that the next day will be better.

Anyway, this dreadful feeling seems to be creeping up to
me again, reminds me of times when i had to book in to camp.
I wonder why.... perhaps it's cos i'm gonna visit that place
once again tomorrow...

Found an interesting site.

Aurora Web Cam

.
It's supposed to the interesting lights in the sky at alaska. They have some pretty nice pictures there.

Anyway today, is ... no was, the 8th. 8th day of the month, 8, what's so special?
Hmmm oh yah, Nanyang Homecoming. My old school, old place, old memories, old JC.
Wait not old... it's new... well at least half of it is.

Still under construction though, but the finished parts were damn nice.

Oh look, the old container 'classrooms' are still around, :)


Although the size of the completed area was rather small, it has 5 levels which is rather impressive.
So was it's library, which was built into the 'circular' admin building.As seen here it's just above the teachers' rooms.

Inside, the ambience was really nice and cosy and they had lots of cds and videos for loan.

Just below the library, at the centre is the fountain. Finally. Was singing ".... like a rising fountain..." back then
and there was no damn fountain. Guess the students can appreciate the song better... maybe not.

Oh, they even have lifts now. Lucky them....

Here are the other pics i took,



Anyway, that's about it for the new NYJC.
Also went for a little jog just now, had some difficulties. But still managed
to go for some distance. Feels good... to be able to do some running again after
8 months. :)
Hope i don't wake up with an aching back tomorrow...

Been a tiring day, a day of rushing thoughts all over the place.
Haha. sounds serious huh?

Well anyway, just moved out my stuff from my hall
today. Took quite some effort.
Suddenly had this 'ord' feeling. A feeling i had
about 1 yr ago, of an ending to another chapter.

Then again it's the same for all the prev years,
from the transistion from primary to secondary,
to JC to Army.... perhaps the end has never much to
be happy for.

It's only the end that keeps us going forward,
perhaps it's only the process that's worth while.

Went to play lan just now. Oh there's this game, condition zero,
which is a basically an upgrade and standalone version of
counter strike. Had fun, reminded me of the nights out i had
back in army.

Lots of jumping around and ya, shouting too.
With those lucky shots and what not.....
guess i'm too tired.... writing about such stuff.
Must be really.... zzzz................

Alright... that's it... enough playing around.
Getting Giddy from all these new stuff that i'm seeing.
Feel like a child getting all excited about something new.

Not good.... too energy consuming.
Getting old i guess.
Heh.

Then again... there's always tomorrow
after a good nights sleep....
perhaps it should be mornin's sleep,
looking at the freeking time now...

Well this is interesting... Haha,
So damn easy to setup and use. Unlike the old
days of using the notepad to write and upload with
telnet or ftp... muahahha..
such advances to make it all so much easier.

Sighz... miss the good ole days where i could see all the files
that i've uploaded.

Post, wonder what this is.
I'm getting lost in all these setups.
Wonder when i'll see the end...