Awoken...
But eyelids are heavy...
The body unwilling
The soul trudging.

Just as soon as the phoenix rises from the ashes,
More ash is poured onto him.
Bring him back into the darkness's comfort.
Yet back to the same way, the cycle that has
been from since he first took the forbidden path.

Others pull the legs of those,
who struggle to get up, to want to be free too,
but unknowingly causing all to be trapped in darkness.

Not by our own endeavours,
can we ever get past our cyclic paths,
but by the grace of one who has always been
above, to pull us up...

Found a rather interesting article in how stuff works,
Toyota Concept cars.
Saw some really cool designs and ideas.
Kinda gives some inspirations as to how the future might be.

Anyway, had dinner at chom chom with some of my medic friends,
it was a fun time. With us teasing ler blur most of the time and
he being the idiotic one as usual. Haha.

Got to hear of lots of business ideas from alvin, some cock and
some already done. Bottom line, we all lack the funds and connections.
But the ideas are there.

Anyway, i think i'm slowly rising up from the ashes...
And then i see clearly for the first time, things i haven't been
able to understand before... I thank God for that.
And i see friends, somehow starting to go through what i have been,
what i was and am.
Yet i still feel the anguish at times, of my inability to fulfill
a dream that might never be. But i use that energy to move myself,
to go forward... faster and wider.
I wonder how i can help them... those who i feel for, whom i feel
like helping. But i dunno how, maybe i can only listen.

Then again, i haven't even really settled my own heart.
Whether to end, to try again or to just ignore it. But it doesn't
bother me too much, yet i think about it now and then.
Why?
But the dreams for a sweet future are not that strong...
it's left hollow.
Perhaps that's best, for i'm living in today now. Not dreaming
of a better tomorrow...

Maybe i should just do something... whether to end or have another chance..
at least it's a choice i have made and not left to nothing....

Went to catch shrek 2 today with CK and vic, haywire of a time trying
to get the tickets. From Ps, trying to get tickets, ended up booking
for seats in marina.
Plus the fact that i was kinda sleepy, i felt like i was in
a state of dreamyness. Felt a fleeting feeling like that.

Anyway i got a good laugh out of it and it's been a while since i've
felt this way. Heh. So i really recommend this show to anyone just wanting
to relax and have a good laugh(had lots of spoofs inside too).
Also, it felt great to have met up with them.

Still feeling kinda 'high' think i'd better sleep soon or i'm
gonna be late tom... argh...

Think it's time to change this layout...
Doesn't suit me. Haha.

Met a friend today, who had the intention of telling
me about this MLM company he joined.

At first i thought he was gonna tell
me all about the potential of it and all,
the profits to be made... blah blah blah.
And to want me to join, and he did, but in a 'soft approach' way.

But somehow, he wasn't trying to push it to me and was
trying to understand my side of view (which was surprising)
and i appreciated it. Then it turned into a time of
sharing, about how he was skeptical at first and then
how he felt that it was a path for him showed by God.

Turned out i learned something from him,
that God really does respond to each of us differently,
and has different uses for us.
Seeing him today, smartly dressed and driving, i couldn't
help wonder what if i had perservered and stayed on in this line...
but guess my path lies elsewhere.

But the effect of the excitement of learning about the market,
passive income, knowing how to manage and sell, doesn't impress me
as much as it did before(perhaps cos i'm more wary?). Guess it doesn't
really appeal to me anymore as i've shifted my focus to my spiritual walk...

Hope now that he doesn't get too caught up in it and forgot why he got
into it in the first place...wish him all the best.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
... the path i've chosen is necessarily difficult...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Will the fun know of the suffering,
Surfferings of the anguished and lost,
Lost in the wild grasp of rage,
Raging within a battle that consumes the mind.

For then, begins a cycle of tumbling emotions,
thrashing within like a wild stallion,
Full of power and fearing none.
Like a drug that slowly takes over the mind.

Lost in this painful cycle,
Yet enjoying it's sweet sense of power,
Feeling control yet having none,
So lost so lost...

All breaks down and nothing's left,
The wanting, the loving, the desires,
The hatred, jealousy and greed,
Gives way when, darkness lifted.

To the creator who shows his pressence,
showing gratitude and faith,
Thus embarking on another rough journey.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Seeing a friend of mine, trying to perhaps vent his
anger and frustration, reminded me of times past.
Of a time when words would flow relentlessly, for the
churning of emotions just kept producing them. Fueling
them with thoughts that were bursting to come out...

Perhaps the root that caused such worries might be
different for each person, but the process that each of us
goes through should be quite similar...

Though he seems quite normal on the outside and seems
cheerful enough, i wonder if he's just corking the problem.
I do that too much to know what it'll do. Now it's better
for me but still i fall back to it when things get out of hand.
Just hope he's able to slowly release the pressue bit by bit.

Perhaps i've been rather cryptic so far...
but guess that doesn't matter.

The mind's a funny thing... always thinking of many things.
Wishing to do many things.
Sometimes i do... sometimes i forget.
But does it matter even if i forget?
Where do we place our values in... when the
world is a changing place...
If there was eternalty, and life now was but a
learning platform, what values do we want to bring
with us to eternalty?
What kind of a person would i want to be...

I would want to follow values of eternalty...

Watched 2 shows today, ok make that 3 if recorded shows are included.
One was fruits basket in the afternoon, then City of Glass at night
and also Malcolm in the Middle (Woo Hoo it's Back!).

But what's their significance or what did it do? What's the impact
on me to write about it here today? Well, the first 2 are rather
emotional. Did invoke rather intense feelings that have lasted til
now. While Malcolm is a funny show, but puts the feelings us humans
have into some kind of perspective. It's like a style that doesn't get
serious but is actually talking about rather important things.

Fruits basket was about memories. Memories of those departed. And of
those still living. Also about how we handle the trials in our lives.
Whether if we'll still be able to stand up again and smile if our loved
ones died. Whether we'll be able to carry on, and then there was this boy
who has this very cheerful character but has been erased from the memories
of his mother.

This was due to the fact that he is a 'monster'(changing into a rabbit whenever
a member of the opposite sex hugs him) and his mother couldn't take it.
She broke down. And as he puts it "...rejected him with all her heart...".
Seems very sad..... and yet he still is strong enough to want to carry on
to hope that one day things will be alright. Is that the human spirit it's
portraying...?

Then the show City of Glass, 2 love stories running concurrently, one about
tony leung and shu qi and the other is about tony's son and shu qi's daughter.
They weren't married to each other by the way(So it's not incest).
It was a rather nice show, with very nostalgic feel to it. Captured an essence
of the past and the turmoils of the 70s, 80s(If i'm not wrong) and of the fun
uni students at their time had and the things they stood up for.
Which is quite unlike today.

I somehow felt that this show was more of someone's feelings of the past and
was trying to show how things have changed and also managed to integrate a love
story into it. And had done so quite nicely.

Here's the lyrics to the song that was played and got stuck in my head..

~~Try To Remember~~
Try to remember the kind of September
when life was slow and oh, so mellow.
Try to remember the kind of September
when grass was green and grain was yellow.
Try to remember the kind of September
when you were a tender and callow fellow,
Try to remember and if you remember the follow.

Try to remember when life was so tender
that no one wept except the willow.
Try to remember when life was so tender that
dreams were kept beside your pillow.
Try to remember when life was so tender that
love was an ember about to billow.
Try to remember and if you remember then follow.

Deep in December it's nice to remember
altho you know the snow will follow.
Deep in December it's nice to remember
without the hurt the heart is hollow.
Deep in December it's nice to remember
the fire of September that made us mellow.
Deep in December our hearts should remember and follow.

Office just got more crowded today. But somehow
the number of things to do was better today.
Seemed to have done more. Ha...
Anyway had a shock to know that a platoon mate of mine
was in hospital and after work, went with a few others
to find him.
Felt sorry to see him in a bloated state, after a virus
attack to his kidney. But as usual, he had this aura of
calmness and acceptance about him. He had this ever since
i've known him and in a way, I feel that this is what makes him
special.

Was also happy to see my other platoon mates after so long.
Has dinner with them after the visit. Just felt nice to be with
them to catch up and all. But sadly, it had to take something to
happen to one of us, to cause us to meet up.

I wonder then, how hard it is to just gather to catch up with each
other if nothing happens. Maybe its because, we're all so busy with
our own lives...? Maybe also we're not that close after all...?
Only just coming together easily when possible because of the
familiarity that we've had and the times of trials we went through together?

Then i saw another platoon mate, with his friends. He's like so close
with them that even though they have things to do, they'll still meet
up to have meals together. And they've been like together since sec sch.
Seems to be quite a bonding. But it just makes him less acceptable of the
other friends around him i guess. Harder to meet up and all. Which is quite
sad as i've always regarded him as a close pal. Maybe we all just have our
own lives to lead.

Just hope our hol trip will come true....

It drizzled today. But light enough to walk in.
That was how the day started.

Ended just as i am now... typing these words.
Went into the night's presence just now. Felt the calling.
Felt the charm. Felt the push and felt the need...
the need to keep the focus.

Love... no more a feeling. But just a commandment...?
To do right to a person no matter what the other has done.
Heh... oh what has tomorrow in store.

The more i think... the more i'll just be tested on.

Had a taste of the "ji pa" today, from my
friend's packet. Haha. Hmmm wasn't as nice as it
used to be in my memory. Maybe it's cos they didn't
put the red chilli powder on it.

Wanted to go buy the bus concession for this month.
But basket... thought orchard machine spoilt then
i went to sengkang to do. Also couldn't then when i asked
a lady at the counter, she said i could only buy it together.

Meaning i could only do so next month when my mrt concession
expires. ok so damn.... now i've got to spend so much on bus
fares each day. argh.... thought i could save some this round.
So if anyone wants to buy both, you'd better buy them together
and not seperately on different days.
Sianz, go wild goose chase again.

Anyway had an interesting view of sec sch kids these days.
I was just sitting behind them and they were like talking away,
thinking that they were the only ones on the bus and comparing results
and stuff. Then this gal saw her little sis a few seats in front and
they were like conversing like nobody's business and saying their family stuff.
Haha... wanted to laugh... but i just smiled.
Wonder if that's what kids will always be.... oblivious to their surroundings?
:)

Monday, monday, where's the blues.
Woke up seeing the blue blue sky today.
Tired. But somehow knowing it's the first day of the week,
that gave me strength, just that bit more energy to
crawl out of bed... and i really mean crawl.

Work work... again to work. And finally i got the
timing right and was at least on time. Well at least
the door wasn't closed this time. Ha!

Lunch held a rather interesting encounter, heard from
the rest, that taiwan has finally brought it's 'ji pah'
(chicken fillet) to singapore and it's now in far east basement.
Selling at $3 each. And to think that while i was in taiwan i
kept pondering about the possibility of brining in the
'ji pah' to singapore. I'll definitely try it one day,
sure brings back memories of taiwan.

Then i bumped into a rather familar figure. With a
smaller resemblance of herself by her side. Ever being
the good figure of a Da jie. Haha..
ok anyway was good to have seen her, it's been a long time
since i've met her already.

Then i played merry go round in the mrt... took the wrong way...
went back the same way i came from at cityhall... argh...
took me til somerset to realise that. Haha... wat a trip.

After an hour... i finally reached my destination!
Yeah....!!! But! I got to do lots of balancing acts... damn my
back and legs ache. But guess they'll do lots of good. Now i'm
starting to appreciate walking and all, and the miracle of health.
But guess i've just got more pulling... and ball playing in store
ahead of me only. Sighzzz... another 7 1/2 hrs tom... haha.

One does learn new things everyday.

Learnt that, love ain't about emotions.
And more of a will. A will to the do right thing.
Doesn't have to be associated with good feelings.

So that's the key to " love thy neighbour ".
Living a life of righteousness, is perhaps the
hardest thing to do.

And so is the fact that, we shouldn't be living
to be self gratifying....
Satifying our own desires. Giving in to them.
That's not our role or purpose, that's why society
is having so much problems these days.

But not to say that is wrong though... just
perhaps things should be taken into the right perspective.

Its funny how, a sudden bump into an old friend can suddenly
brighten up one's spirit.

To bring sudden remembrance of times past and of the good and fun things
that happened before. Perhaps walking around does help, elevates the
pain of living, to see the world as a moving puzzle, to see it flow by.

Sometimes, i wonder how fragile the human heart is. Yet at times it
gets so hard and even though it thinks inside it's stoney walls that
it has feelings, things never get past that wall.

Only causing the bearer more anguish. Yet at the same time feeling
so fragile...

I've got a friend, who's waiting now.
Waiting for a girl's response to him. Why do girls tend to try to be nice?
To make the guy wait... or leave him hanging.
Then there are those that play around, checking out the field....
Are guys really oppressing the girls as feminists say? Are we really that sexist?
Look at what the world is today... it's a woman's market but a guy's warzone.

Perhaps i'm wrong... but what i see today doesn't say otherwise...

Feeling of dread and confusion today.
Feeling of sadness at the same time free.
Free from the bondage of the fears of my mind.

Sad at the lose of things to come.
Of bonds to further strengthen over the years...
Of the times that were to come,
Of times that were meant to be shared when greyed.

I'll serve a longer sentence probably,
sad, yet relieved. That i do not have to think of
what ifs anymore. Of needless struggles with my
mind.

Anyway, sometimes it's with the people that you
aren't the closest with that you enjoy the most.
For to be with those you know who ignores you,
it hurts.

Anyway the message board seems to be up ... but damn
why izzt blank.... oh blanko... damn it...
oh well.. another day.

Wat a way to start a new week, couldn't sleep well last night.
Then, ended up waking up late and was about 15 mins late for
first day of work. Kinda fucked up feeling isn't it.

Well lucky things ain't so bad... but went through the day
feeling like a zombie.

Damn, why doesn't the tag board work anymore. What's it's
freaking problem. Hmmmm.

Anyway just went to check out my old site,
brings back memories of the days when the internet first started.
Everything was, 'wild and free' and there was this newness to it.
An excitement of not knowning what's next.

Am i getting old or am i just looking back fondly to the past
too much?
Wat's it with us humans always wanting to look back,
to see the past, to remember the good old day, so to speak,
to feel assurance... that the next day will be better.

Anyway, this dreadful feeling seems to be creeping up to
me again, reminds me of times when i had to book in to camp.
I wonder why.... perhaps it's cos i'm gonna visit that place
once again tomorrow...

Found an interesting site.

Aurora Web Cam

.
It's supposed to the interesting lights in the sky at alaska. They have some pretty nice pictures there.

Anyway today, is ... no was, the 8th. 8th day of the month, 8, what's so special?
Hmmm oh yah, Nanyang Homecoming. My old school, old place, old memories, old JC.
Wait not old... it's new... well at least half of it is.

Still under construction though, but the finished parts were damn nice.

Oh look, the old container 'classrooms' are still around, :)


Although the size of the completed area was rather small, it has 5 levels which is rather impressive.
So was it's library, which was built into the 'circular' admin building.As seen here it's just above the teachers' rooms.

Inside, the ambience was really nice and cosy and they had lots of cds and videos for loan.

Just below the library, at the centre is the fountain. Finally. Was singing ".... like a rising fountain..." back then
and there was no damn fountain. Guess the students can appreciate the song better... maybe not.

Oh, they even have lifts now. Lucky them....

Here are the other pics i took,



Anyway, that's about it for the new NYJC.
Also went for a little jog just now, had some difficulties. But still managed
to go for some distance. Feels good... to be able to do some running again after
8 months. :)
Hope i don't wake up with an aching back tomorrow...

Been a tiring day, a day of rushing thoughts all over the place.
Haha. sounds serious huh?

Well anyway, just moved out my stuff from my hall
today. Took quite some effort.
Suddenly had this 'ord' feeling. A feeling i had
about 1 yr ago, of an ending to another chapter.

Then again it's the same for all the prev years,
from the transistion from primary to secondary,
to JC to Army.... perhaps the end has never much to
be happy for.

It's only the end that keeps us going forward,
perhaps it's only the process that's worth while.

Went to play lan just now. Oh there's this game, condition zero,
which is a basically an upgrade and standalone version of
counter strike. Had fun, reminded me of the nights out i had
back in army.

Lots of jumping around and ya, shouting too.
With those lucky shots and what not.....
guess i'm too tired.... writing about such stuff.
Must be really.... zzzz................

Alright... that's it... enough playing around.
Getting Giddy from all these new stuff that i'm seeing.
Feel like a child getting all excited about something new.

Not good.... too energy consuming.
Getting old i guess.
Heh.

Then again... there's always tomorrow
after a good nights sleep....
perhaps it should be mornin's sleep,
looking at the freeking time now...

Well this is interesting... Haha,
So damn easy to setup and use. Unlike the old
days of using the notepad to write and upload with
telnet or ftp... muahahha..
such advances to make it all so much easier.

Sighz... miss the good ole days where i could see all the files
that i've uploaded.

Post, wonder what this is.
I'm getting lost in all these setups.
Wonder when i'll see the end...